Rick Caruso Starts to “Deal With” the Homeless Population

by Oliver Frenkel

Los Angeles, CA – Newly elected mayor Rick Caruso pledged to the public that he would “deal with” the homeless and clean up the city single handedly after a tight race against his opponent Karen Carp last month. We will finally see him live up to his pledge and clean up the city of Los Angeles. We suited up with Rick on his first trip to inner-city LA to see how he would “deal with” the homeless. First, Rick showed us some of the tools he uses to “deal with” the homeless. 

“Well, there are a few precautions that one must take when ‘dealing with’ the homeless. Number one, we want to put on the standard edition E.O.D.S., or Explosive Ordinance Disposal Suit, to avoid any chance of the homeless firing any Rocket-propelled grenades at us,” Caruso said. “After all, these are homeless people we are talking about. We have no idea what they might have ready for us when we arrive. Next, I will equip myself with a Glock 19 and a AR 15. I am now fully equipped and ready to… ‘deal with’ the homeless of Los Angeles.” 

We would say “disposed of,” but Rick is very careful about the wording. “That sounds mean,” he said. “I care about these people, that’s why I say ‘deal with’ instead.”

Before we share what we saw on the trip with Caruso, we should note that this is not his first time “dealing with” the homeless in fact, before Rick ran for mayor, he “dealt with” the homeless every day as part of his job.

Caruso used to work as an independently licensed homeless removal officer where he orchestrated the “dealing with” of thousands of homeless.  Now he plans to use the same tactics to help them. “You know, like, put them out of their misery,” Caruso said. “Because I care so much about them.”

To help the public understand the efficacy of Caruso’s tactics when “dealing with” the homeless he invited the local press to join him on his morning rounds around the city. Mr Caruso recommended that we bring panchos along on his morning rounds. We later understood why.

First we visited skidrow. “Hundreds of homeless are begging to be ‘dealt with’ here,” Caruso added as he started to suit up.  As the homeless spotted Caruso they started to disperse but it was their time to be “dealt with.” Caruso opened fire; we even saw him crack a slight grin as the “dealing with” commenced. As Caruso continued  to fire he stated “I can’t bear the fact that people think I am cruel to the homeless.” He continued to fire “I just don’t understand it. Me? Cruel? No, couldn’t be.” It was difficult to hear him over the gunfire. 

Although some critics are horrified by how Caruso “deals with” the homeless, they are not powerful enough to stop him. “It’s terrible,” one protestor said. “He’s being so kind and tender to the homeless. Why can’t he just be cruel, like we want?”